My life is VERY unbalanced right now. I can feel it. There is so much shit piling up in my head, and on my to-do list, and I am having a hard time coping with it all. I need to make some changes.
Shit with the GF took a bad turn, and now that's on the rocks.. Not that she is doing anything wrong, but she is going through a difficult time, and I simply do not have the extra energy to devote to fixing that situation. The only time I have for a relationship right now, is one where I don't have to tend to 24/7, and while that may seem extreme, it really isn't. I just need her to be there to hang out with, go see a movie, have dinner, and just be around to have fun. I need something cool and easy. I CANNOT deal with something complicated and full of compromises, because I'm wound up tight like a guitar string right now.
My job... It makes me despise people. Today I was not in the mood to deal with peoples shit. People are not all vile, and greedy, and ignorant... but these are the only traits that I see at my job, and part of me thinks that my cynical outlook on life makes me see them this way, but another part of me feels that my job is the cause of this.
My health. It has been well over 2 months since I have quit smoking. I have an addictive personality apparently, but quitting smoking wasn't as hard as I thought once I got past month 1. The downside is that I have gained weight, mainly because I am eating bullshit every day. I used to be in shape big time.. in the gym twice a day. Now I'm at Taco Bell twice a day. I feel like shit inside, and I honestly do NOT like eating fast food at all.. it's disgusting. But when I spend 10 hours at work every day, what else do I have time for? I think beginning tomorrow I'm done with sodas, and will be making use of the fruit bowl at work. If I can quit smoking, I can quit cokes and shitty food, right?
Finances. Money is the root of all evil, and most certainly the root of all my problems. I cannot describe how much better I feel when all bills are paid, and I have extra money in my wallet. Shit is piling up, and I REALLY need a fucking break with my finances. As I stated before, I get paid to go to college, and the next time I get paid, I need to get my credit cards paid the fuck off so I can sleep a little better at night.
Speaking of college.. I have 4 assignments left, and they are due Sunday at midnight. Tomorrow evening, I WILL be completing these. I really need a win this time so that I don't fail my classes. I have been bullshitting my way through class, and that is definitely not the way to go. But I have also been bullshitting my way through work, my relationship, finances, diet and pretty much everything else.
My bullshitting is not a trait I am proud of, and I am wondering where it came from. Is this how I deal with things when I am forced to multi task? Doesnt it make sense? When given a high demand, production must be increased to provide those numbers, while quality may suffer in result. I'm not sure there is any other way, unless I delete all of my video games and focus more on the things that matter.. which will bring my "fun" time to 0.. but can I afford to have fun right now?
I used to be on the path of creativity. A year ago I was balls deep into photography.. $4000 worth of camera equipment, and the motivation to take pictures of everything. I was actually gaining a lot of ground winning contests, having my photos featured on the front page of websites, getting PAID to take pictures.. Somewhere along the way, I just replaced one passion for something else..
I leave tonight's post with some of my work from the past, which can all be found on my flickr.
and oh yes... my car. As I said, thats another blog post to come...